Gettin’ Figgy With It (Bacon Wrapped Figs)

A week ago I got an email from FoodBuzz with a bunch of fig-themed recipes.  I looked at the pictures and realized that I never really considered  figs.  I never considered them at all.  Frankly, I didn’t know jack about figs – but, I like Newtons (the fig kind) and (I think) I like plain old figs but yet, I know nothing.  They look familiar, though.  As usual, I shared my my confusion with Marlene and, as usual, Marlene cleared things up.  Marlene (being from Georgia and all) knows a good fig.  She told me that their season is short, they aren’t grown here, and the good ones are hard to find.   Sound like a man?  I kinda gave up my fig knowledge quest right there.  Seemed too hard.  Too much.  So out of reach.  So out of my league.  So out of my jurisdiction.  Until yesterday…

I popped in to my local Whole Paycheck Foods for some odd thing and BAM! Figs in my face!  Well, to be honest, I was more tipped off by the large sign that said “FIGS!”.  Otherwise, I would not have known what they were.  There I stood, looking at the alleged figs.  The sign said they were figs – had to be true?  Of course, no one was around.  I was alone in Figville.  No one to ask, “Say Mister, how bout these figs? What am I lookin’ for here?”  I was on my own.  I knew one thing was for sure – Marlene was gonna LOVE this.  I had to get a little basket of them.  And, I did.

I transported my figs to Andy’s and we both just looked at them.  What’s next?  Dunno.  I hit the interwebs.  I came across two helpful things:

(1) a local foods article by Molly Watson (click here); and

(2) a youtube video about eating figs:

Who is an expert now??? Andy and I mastered the eating of raw figs.  It was time to move on.  What was I do to with my delicate little friends?  Give half to Marlene and…wrap the other half in bacon?  Was there any other option?

As I know from previous experience, wrapping and cooking things in bacon involves the broiler.  And, as you know from previous posts, the broiler is a scary thing for me.  As you can see from my pictures, the end result was pretty much a success but, Dear God, the process was a bit of a nightmare.  However, based on my trials and tribulations , I can offer you a decent recipe (see below).  That said, try to acknowledge what went into this, please.

I won’t bore or scare you with a play-by-play but picture me transferring these bacon wrapped figs from toaster to broiler to toaster and back again based upon the grease popping noise that freaked me out!  Then, picture me on the kitchen floor staring into the oven (upside down) at the top heating element to make sure the grease didn’t pop onto the coil and subsequently catch the place on fire (again).  Then, picture me on the floor, thinking about the fire, and wondering where my fire extinguisher is and then wondering, “don’t fire extinguishers expire?”, “do I know how to use that thing?”, “maybe I should read the directions now”, and then: “No! You can’t even leave the bacon sizzle to go get that thing”!  ”Where is it anyway?”  This train of thought then led to thinking about an actual fire.  I ‘d have to explain why I missed a professional function later that evening.  Might go something like this, “yeah, I had a bacon grease fire so I couldn’t make it.”  My office would think, “hmmm, that’s about right” and strangers would be perplexed, maybe sad.

Fortunately, it all worked out.  It always does, doesn’t it?  It was rough but the house, the oven, the toaster, and the figs all survived.  In the end, I learned to trust my broiler and to transfer things to a proper broiler pan.  I can do this again, do it better, AND live to tell about it.  Probably.  Laugh all you want, people.  One day, you’ll see, I’ll have a broiler based cookbook called “Broil This” or  ”Watching Your Broiler Upside Down Yoga” : Who will be laughing then?

Ingredients:

6 figs

6 strips of bacon

broiler pan

Directions:

1.  Par cook your bacon – either in a pan or microwave.  I cooked six strips of bacon in the microwave (on a paper towel and covered with a paper towel) for about 3 minutes and 30 seconds.

2.  Let the bacon cool to the touch and then wrap each fig in one strip.

3.  Place the bacon wrapped figs on a broiler pan and broil on low for about 10-15 minutes, turning occasionally to ensure thorough cooking. You really have to watch them but not necessarily upside down.

4.  When the bacon in crispy, you are done.

5.  Let them cool for a few minutes before serving – the figs will be hot!

Enjoy the fruits of your labor and get Figgy With It!